


Aliens Exist (and other lies perpetuated by the media)

by Day_dreaming



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Gen, Human Zim (Invader Zim), and hes not that green dib, cause his mom is miyuki so, ive had this idea sitting in my brain for a while tbh, zim is japanese
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-01-21 02:50:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21292406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Day_dreaming/pseuds/Day_dreaming
Summary: In which Zim really isn’t an alien.He’s not an some invader hellbent on destroying planet Earth, he doesn’t create bombs in his underground lair or get his orders from his almighty overlords; he’s just a normal eleven year old with a robot dog.Of course, that’s not going to stop him from messing with this big-headed kid in his class that won’t leave him alone.
Comments: 51
Kudos: 205





	1. In Which a Boy Meets an Alien (possibly)

“Alright children, we have another disappointment to add to the class. Zim, introduce yourself and sit down. Or don’t; I couldn’t care less either way.” The teacher, Miss Bitters, said as she slithered back to her desk. The glare she sent Zim as he opened his mouth told him to keep his introduction as short as possible.

“Hello, fellow students! My name is Zim Takahashi and I just moved here!” Zim shouted, a wide grin on his face. His new classmates winced at the volume before mumbling out a ‘welcome to the class’. He turned back to Miss Bitters who shot him another glare and pointed to the empty desk near the door. As soon as he was seated she turned back to the class and began her lecture on space and the universe; and why exploring it was pointless because, eventually the sun would implode on itself and erase any progress made.

“Okay, am I the only one who sees the _alien_ sitting in class?” 

Zim turned to the boy who had spoken, his eyes were wide as he frantically looked around the classroom for support. Zim silently pointed to himself, “Yes, you! I know what an alien looks like when I see one; and that right there is an alien!” The boy stood up angrily, “Look at his horrible green skin! Is that normal? And he has purple eyes! Do normal people have purple eyes and green skin?”

The class started to murmur to each other, before the girl behind Zim muttered to him that Dib does this to every new kid, and it was super annoying. It was also the reason they don’t get many new students. “You’re crazy. Only babies believe in aliens or Bigfoot or vampire bees, Dib.” She rolled her eyes at the angry sound Dib made before going back to doodling in her notebook.

“Okay, I may have been wrong about the football team being mind controlled by a coven of witches, but I did see Bigfoot! He was using the beltsander and it was too dark to take a good picture but I saw what I saw!” Dib shouted before he turned back to Zim, “I mean, just look at him! He’s green! Kids aren’t green, aliens are!”

Zim could feel himself losing what little self control he had; he’d been in class for thirty minutes and half of it was being called an alien by some kid who didn’t know how to shut up. “Hey stupid! It’s a skin condition and I was born with purple eyes!” Zim shouted from his desk. He wanted to get up and deck the kid in the face but he promised his mom not to cause her trouble and being pulled into the principal’s office for assault was definitely trouble.

Miss Bitters chose that moment to cut in, “Alright, now that Zim here has grown a backbone and fought off Dib we can move on. Dib, I appreciate you trying to thin the class but crushing dreams is my job, save it for recess. Zim, it looks like you won’t be going to the underground classrooms, please enjoy the torment of your peers for the next eight months.” She hissed a quick warning at Dib for getting out of his seat before returning to her lecture on space.

\--

At the end of school, after an uncomfortably long stare down between him and Dib at recess, Zim wandered toward the principal’s office. He needed to turn in his service dog papers by the end of the week if he wanted Gir to be approved. Maybe having his dog with him would keep the kids from staring at him; maybe it wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter, once the other children saw Zim for what he was, a magnificent and awe inspiring genius, they would have no choice but to ignore his body’s flaws.

“You won’t get away with this, Zim.” A voice spoke from behind him. Zim wondered if ‘Dibs’ were normal for at public schools, and if he could get a refund on his, maybe get one on this whole experience. He shook his head, remembering how he had begged his mother for the chance to get away from Irk Academy. Well, he’d just have to stick it out, and if the Dib wanted to fight him then Zim would have to show him what happens when wispy big heads like him fight an Irken Academy Invader.

Zim turned to face his classmate, “I won’t get away with what, Dib?” This was getting annoying, and each time the Dib showed his face Zim could feel himself getting closer and closer to jumping him. “I won’t get away with my evil plans of getting these papers signed?”

“You may have everybody else fooled, but not me!” Dib huffed out, he crossed his arms over his chest before moving closer to Zim, trying to loom over him when they were almost the same height, “I’m going to prove to the world that aliens are real, and you’re one of them!” He jabbed his finger into Zim’s chest as if to emphasize how right he was.

Zim opened his mouth to tell him he was not, under any circumstances, an alien, when a thought hit him. Dib would never give up on him being an alien; he had that crazy look in his eyes that reminded him of the employees his mother fired or when she ran a rival company out of business.

_Well_, Zim thought, _why not?_

A sly grin slid across Zim’s face, “No one will believe you.” Dib’s eyes widened and Zim allowed himself to laugh at his stupid face, before opening the door to the principal’s office. He told the middle aged woman with a dead stare why he was here, and was given a chalky piece of candy in return. The principal called him in to her office where he explained his disgusting defects to her and why he needed Gir in school incase he felt too dizzy to stand or something equally pathetic. He also explained that his dog was green and that it was definitely the breeders fault but they loved him anyway. The principal smiled as she filed the papers away and told him they should be finished processing by six, so he was fine to bring in Gir tomorrow.

Dib was still standing outside the office, with his big mouth hanging open, when Zim exited the room with yet another piece of underwhelming candy. “There’s nothing you can do to stop me, ugly pig-monkey!” Zim sneered at Dib as he walked past.

This was going to be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> zims last name means tall (and bridge but thats not as funny) and i almost cried when i found it aasdkfhksa. anyway i love zim and ive got this whole au i created so i hope you all like this pls leave me some kudos and if youre feeling really generous gimme a comment. also i have art if anyone is interested in seeing my human zim :0) love you!! <333


	2. Homemade (robot made) meals

Dib could not believe how lucky he was! Or how blind his classmates were.

“He was an _alien_, Gaz! A real, live alien right in class!” Dib shouted at his sister while they walked down the street, “Zim had everybody fooled but not me! I saw right through his disguise, and I’m gonna take him down.” Dib clenched his fist at the thought of proving to the world, to his dad, that aliens and paranormal creatures existed. A wide smile spread across his face at the thought of bringing down an alien armada single handedly. He would be recognized as savior of the earth and all his idiot classmates would have to admit that Dib Membrane was right all along. “It probably won’t take long, I mean, you really should have seen him. His disguise was horrible, and didn’t even bother to hide his ugly alien looks. He was green for crying out loud! Green people don’t exist!” Dib rubbed a hand over his face at the memory of his classmates taking Zim’s, an alien's, side over his.

Gaz scowled up at him before shutting her GameSlave, “Dib, I really don’t care that Zim is green or that he has purple eyes, which, by the way, can happen in humans.” She growled out, and should have Dib known better than to push her patience anymore. Of course, knowing and doing are two very different things, so he opened his mouth again. Gaz jammed her fingers under his ribcage to shut him up, “No, I don’t want to hear another word about aliens or ghosts or Zim for the rest of the day.”

“Okay, okay, okay!” Dib yelped before jumping away from his sister. She scoffed at him before going back to her game. Ugh, sometimes Gaz really scared him, especially when she actually looked up from her game with those crazy she sent him when was being extra annoying. Dib shivered at the thought, wonder where she got that from?

Soon enough they were standing at their front door, where their dad greeted them, “Welcome home, children! I have wonderful news!” Professor Membrane, swooped his children into his arms, “We have new neighbors!” He brought them to the window facing the house across the street, “That house has finally been filled! Plus there is a child around your age, Dib.” Membrane let Gaz down who had lost interest in the conversation and was swatting at her father’s gloved hand. He turned his full attention to Dib, “Son, I hope you can make a friend, or maybe a rival in SCIENCE!” He shouted enthusiastically. 

“I didn’t think you would be home today, dad. Don’t you have those long lab hours tonight?” Dib asked. He was counting on his father not being home so he could go over his game plan for tomorrow. Maybe Dib could bring in those alien handcuffs, or maybe he should just look for Zim’s weaknesses.

“Oh son, something special is happening tonight!” His father looked to Gaz to make sure she was listening before continuing, “My old colleague is coming over for dinner, in fact she’s the one that moved in across the street. Her and her son are meeting us here at six before she leaves for a business trip early tomorrow morning.” He stood up, “Which reminds me, Foodio! We must have something without meat I hear Miyuki’s son is very picky!” With that Dib’s father leaves the siblings alone in the living room.

“Great, not only do I have to listen to you monologuing, but now I have to put up with one of dad’s crazy friends.” Gaz hopped off the couch, “Call me when they get here and not a _second_ before.” She hissed at him before climbing the stairs.

Dib nodded silently as she left, before pulling out his Paranormal Investigations Journal, which he bought off one of his ufozines. It was supposed to be protected against all manner of supernatural powers; apparently the author had spent time in a ‘weirdness hub of activity’ as he called it and discovered a way to keep creatures like those away from his work. Dib flipped it open to write in his latest entry, and to start detailing everything he knew about Zim and his alien people.

The doorbell rang at exactly six o’clock. Dib looked up from his Journal in surprise, and horror that he had missed his favorite paranormal investigators radio show. He’d have to catch a rerun later tonight and take notes. Hopefully, they talked about aliens and could provide him with insight on how to deal with this infestation. 

Professor Membrane pranced out of his study, wearing his casual lab suit and gloves and no goggles. Huh, this colleague lady must be really important to dad since Dib could barely remember the last time he’d seen his father without some sort of goggles or sunglasses on. Once he had asked about it, because the other kids said it was creepy to never see his eyes, and Dib wasn’t really given a straight answer just the usual ramble about the price of scientific progress.

“Son, go get Gazlene while I greet our guests! Foodio made pasta, I hope you’re excited for a wonderfully homemade meal!” His father’s eyes sparkled at the mention of a homemade meal and Dib didn’t have the heart to tell him that since a robot prepared it he wasn’t sure if the pasta could classify as homemade.

“Okay, dad. Me and Gaz’ll be down in a second.” He called behind him as he made his way up the stairs. The door to Gaz’s bedroom had been painted black after she had become obsessed with Wednesday Addams as a toddler and had stickers all over it from her game and one that specifically told Dib that if he ever went in her room he’d find his spleen in his lunch bag.

He hestianly knocked, “Uh, Gaz dinner’s ready.” He could hear the voices of his dad and another adult down the hall. A pit formed in his stomach, ugh he hated meeting his dad’s colleagues. They always looked down on him for pursuing supernatural science and not ‘real’ science like the rest of them. Well, that didn’t really matter now because he was going to capture and dissect his proof in front of all of them! They’d all be sorry.

A small hand waved in front of his face, “Uh, Dib? You in there, dummy?” Dib blinked hard and looked down to see Gaz glaring up at him with an eyebrow raised. “Did I hear dad say we’re having pasta?” She asked as they walked down the stairs and into the dining room.

Dib was about to answer when a familiar voice cut through the air, “You!” He turned to see the alien sitting at his dining table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me:  
the comments, chanting: RACIST DIB!! ABLEIST DIB!! R A C I S T DIB!!! A B L E I S T DIB!!!!!!!
> 
> honestly i had so much fun reading ur comments and was surprised that racist dib was so beloved ahdklafj anyway i hope you all like this chapter its my first time writing dib with the majority of the dialogue not pulled from the show. i hope ur all excited to meet zims mom and for an awkward dinner next time!! love you all pls leave me kudos or a comment!!


	3. Ah, young rivalry...

Zim knew the moment his mother mentioned having dinner with an ‘old colleague’ of hers that the night would be a disaster. He was planning on preparing Gir for entering public school and maybe making some actual headway on fixing his faulty coding. His mother would be catching a red eye to Japan for a meeting in a few hours and would give Zim and Gir the time to go over how service dogs acted and why it was a bad idea for him to participate in any classroom discussions. He’d already had to reprogram someone who heard too much and doing that to an entire class would be time consuming to say the least.

Zim groaned quietly to himself as they stood at their neighbors doorstep; he hadn’t been able to even speak to Gir for more than a half hour (which was spent recounting Big Head’s annoying insitance that he was an alien) before his mother came home and flung herself on the couch muttering about idiotic interns and how test groups didn’t matter when they knew the items would sell. Luckily, Gir seemed to remember that service dogs, or dogs in general really, do not answer questions let alone ask ‘if fire power was needed to carry out their plans.’

He looked up at his mother, who was glaring down at her while hissing something in Japanese to whoever was on the other side of the bluetooth hooked to her ear. Zim figured it was about the deal she had been raving about for the entire two hours she’d been home, and the one that made her ask for her special pills right before they headed across the street. He hoped the whole merging, or invading and conquering as his mother like to put it, whatever company she’d run into the ground this time was over with quickly. She’d come home faster that way.

The door opened to reveal a looming man in a stark white lab coat that covered half his face, “Miyuki! It’s been too long!” the man yelled before sweeping his mother into a strange embrace that was partly friendly but also looked like he was trying to strangle her through sheer force of cheer alone. 

His mother, for her part, stiffened at the contact before gripping onto his shoulders hard enough to make Zim wince, “Yes, it has been a very long time hasn’t it, Membrane?” her voice was clipped as she spoke but the slight smile on her face held a secret Zim didn’t quite understand, “I hear you have children, now? How interesting.” She moved away from Membrane before gesturing to Zim, “This is my son, Takahashi Zim.” Her perfectly manicured hand pushed him forward and forced him to really look at the man.

He was tall, and had dark brown, almost black eyes that crinkled when Zim glared up at him. The man knelt down before him and held out a hand, “It’s nice to meet you Zim. I’m Professor Membrane; I’ll be checking in with you while your mother is away on business.” Zim sniffed loudly at him, and held his gaze before taking the man’s hand and shaking it. He quietly thanked him for being generous enough to look after him before being ushered inside.

The house was big, not quite as nice as his mother’s penthouse in Tokyo or their old apartment in New York, City but Zim reasoned it was nice for the midwest. He looked around the house, spotted a weird magazine with a poorly drawn space saucer on the cover which made him scowl at the reminder of what the boy had said to him. He heard his mother and Professor Membrane discussing the school he and apparently the Professor’s two children went to. Zim tuned the conversation back out as they veered onto the business aspect of Membrane Labs and began daydreaming about the Dib being vaporized or turned into a giant weenie so he could match his outsides with his insides. Hmm, that reminded Zim that he needed to plan out what type of alien he was going to be. Keeping this school year interesting and making Big Head look even crazier than he already is, was now top priority. He definitely needed antennae and scary red eyes, maybe he could even add in that human exoskeleton he had been working on, maybe modify it to be more bug like. 

Zim heard voices down the hall, probably the kids his mother had mentioned. He hoped they weren’t stupid. Obviously, they could never compare to his or his mother’s intellect but the only thing worse than dealing with his mother’s colleagues is dealing with their offspring who were dumber than the trophy spouses they spawned from. The voices were closer now and one of them was familiar. 

Alarmingly familiar.

Zim turned towards where the voices were coming from and saw none other than the idiot of the hour himself, “You!” He screamed while forcing himself to his feet, and pointedly ignoring the wave of dizziness that washed over him.

The Dib froze for a moment before throwing an arm in front of what Zim assumed to be the second Membrane child who was glaring at the both of them. “What are _you _doing here, Zim?” He hissed, jabbing a finger at Zim, “Attacking me in my own home was a mistake you’ll regret for the rest of your pathetic alien life!” 

“Well, _Dib-stink_, I’ll have you know I was invited here by your human father and--”

“Is this the boy you were yelling about when I got home, sweetheart?” His mother cut him off, her voice completely disinterested as she finished whatever text she was sending before turning towards them both, her blue eyes narrowed, “I remember my first rival, a girl too stuck on herself to understand her grip on the school had loosened,” she said this wistfully a strange, almost manic, smile lighting her face, “I set her pigtails on fire during recess then ruined her reputation by slipping our exam answers into her locker and getting her expelled.” She turned her piercing gaze on Zim, “I expect nothing less from you.”

The room fell silent before Membrane startled laughing hysterically, “Ah, Miyuki! You and your stories!” He turned to his son, “Dib it seems you’ve met Zim already, and have formed a blossoming rivalry! I hope Takahashi here can encourage you to pursue real SCIENCE in the hopes of beating your rival in the race to discovery! Now please, sit down we have homemade pasta to enjoy!” He gestured to the open seats next to him as a robot wheeled out what he guessed was dinner.

As Dib passed him, he leaned over and spit out, “I don’t know how you brainwashed one of my dad’s respected colleagues into thinking she's your mom, but I _will_ expose you, alien.” Before he shoving Zim back into his seat and stalking off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy sorry this is so late i needed to force myself to do homework before i wrote another chapter and im almost caught up!! also the semester is ending soon so ill have more time to write also i hope the boys stayed in character this chapter and that you enjoyed!!
> 
> pls leave kudos or leave a comment those light up my day!! <3


	4. A Good Fistfight

Dib could not believe what was happening. The alien, the one who basically told him about his evil plans to destroy earth, has infiltrated his house and brainwashed his father’s colleague. He needed to get to his equipment fast, but he couldn’t leave his father and Gaz here all alone. Who knows what he did to Miss Miyuki? She could be a robot clone or have been programmed to only follow Zim’s orders after days of torture!

He’d have to disect her as well.

Dib wondered how Zim had known the woman was part of his father’s social circle, and what his plans were. He could be after something in Membrane Labs, or use Miyuki’s money to fund Earth’s demise by drilling a hole in the planet and setting some type of mind-control-bomb off. That’s _it_, Dib needed to leave this table now; his father had robot arms and Gaz fought an eighth grader over the summer, they would be fine for the few minutes it took for Dib to find his alien handcuffs and the paralysis ray he’d stolen from his father’s lab last winter.

“Hey idiot, stop fidgeting, it’s annoying.” Gaz leaned over and hissed. One of her eyes cracked open to glare at him, “And do not ruin this dinner for dad by leaving the table and attacking Zim.” Dib opened his mouth to explain to her that Zim was planning to eat their organs and would succeed if Dib didn’t stop him, before a tiny hand clasped around his arm, her nails digging into the skin of his wrist, “Don’t say anything, Dib. Just sit down and eat your lasagna.” She ground out.

Dib waited for her to let go of his wrist before huffing when she started eating with her left hand. Figures she’d do this to him. He angrily stuffed a piece of doughy garlic bread in his mouth while shooting daggers at Zim, who was picking at his food. “Hey _Zim_, is the food not good enough for you, or is your alien stomach unable to process it?” 

Zim startled, and Dib smiled at the curl of satisfaction it brought; _that’s right you’re on my turf now, alien_, “Nonsense! I love lasagna, I just have a stomach ache right now, probably ‘cause I’m near you, Dib-thing.” Zim sneered from across the table. He angrily shoved the pasta into his mouth while staring down Dib. Well, he can’t let an alien out eat his own father’s robot made food, can he? 

Dib began wolfing his food down faster than he ever had before. It was kinda gross of he was being honest, but beating Zim was more important that table manners. Eventually, Gaz’s hold on him loosened when she saw that he wasn’t getting up any time soon. Good, he needed both hands to maximize his eating speed. It also might have something to do with the sauce that was flying everywhere, but Dib was too busy making sure he had less food on his plate than Zim to notice her disgusted face.

A hand came down on Zim’s head, forcing them both to stop eating which may have been a good thing because Dib was starting to feel a little nauseous. Miss Miyuki, who had been caught up in a conversation with his dad about grown up stuff, turned to her ‘son’, “Zim, I know this is your first rivalry, but eating contests are very old hat. Why don’t you and the Membrane boy go fight in the yard?” Her piercing eyes, unnaturally blue and intelligent for a brainwashed woman, turned to his sister, “And you, Gazlene, correct?” She didn’t wait for an answer, “Why don’t you go watch. A good fist fight always helped me digest as a girl.”

Zim’s grip on his silverware tightened for a second, a grimace marring his face before he turned to his ‘mother’, “Of course, mother. I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to show him what happens when a Takahashi is crossed!” Miss Miyuki hummed as she pet Zim’s hair for a moment before whispering something into his ear and gently shoving him towards the door. 

Oh, so they were actually going to fight in the yard. Dib turned to his dad who was already in the midst of telling Miss Miyuki of his latest scientific break and how it would help the world. He sighed, of course his dad wouldn’t care about his children literally walking out of the house to fight their neighbor at, he checked the clock, seven oclock at night. “Alright, bye dad. I’m gonna go fight Zim.” His father laughed at something Miss Miyuki said, “In the front yard!” His father ruffled his hair before gesturing for Foodio to take care of the dishes, “Where everyone can see!” Nothing. Ugh, whatever.

Gaz rolled her eyes and got up, crossing her arms as she walked over and muttering about how stupid it was of her to not bring her GameSlave to dinner. They met Zim in the living room who was hunched over and had a hand to his stomach before shifting into a more natural stance when he saw them. Dib growled and rolled up his sleeves, at least he could take his anger out on something that deserves it.

The front door clicked close and before he knew it him and Zim were standing across from each other while Gaz made herself comfortable on the grass a few feet away. “Alright, dummies, I want a fair fight. Hits below the belt, biting, scratching, and eye poking are encouraged. I wanna see you bleed!” Gaz looked up at the sky which was in between dusk and the dark of night, “Fight ends when I get bored, or when one of you dies, whichever comes first.” She pulled out a piece of garlic bread and took a bite, before looking over in annoyance, “What are you two waiting for? Go!”

Dib scoffed at his sister, he was about to fight an alien! Zim was probably some super old soldier who knew a billion ways to take down a human, let alone a sixth grader, he’d need Gaz’s help or something from his room to protect him from the alien’s claws or mandibles or whatever he had. He opened his mouth to say as much but before he could the world flipped upside down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so happy you all like this so far!! and i made some clean fanart for you cause my other one was basically an outline of the fic and i don't wanna give any spoilers away even if they are just character functions lolll
> 
> pls see my [human zim (and gir :0!!!) fanart](https://sugarplum-lane.tumblr.com/post/189566604243/aliens-exist-and-other-lies-perpetuated-by-the) id love if you'd give it a reblog or just look at it if you want!!
> 
> pls leave me a comment if you feel like it or any feedback!! love you all <3333


	5. Teacakes and Bloody Noses

The Dib was unsurprisingly top heavy.

Zim knew from the moment he got a good look at his disgusting, bulbous head that one good push to the chest or stomach would have him sprawled on the ground like an ugly, _ugly_ turtle flipped on its back. Dib went down with a startled yelp, apparently he didn’t see Zim as a threat because he hadn’t even gotten into a fighting stance or braced himself for his first attack. How _insulting_, Zim was an Irken Academy Invader, one of the greatest the school had ever seen in their long and prestigious history! How dare he underestimate the great and mighty _Takahashi Zim!?_ Dib was just like everybody else, and needed to be proved wrong that Zim was not defective and was the best there ever was or will be!

Zim growled as he slammed his fists into Dib’s gigantic head, barely feeling the aching in his arms and face from where Dib had hit him back. His knees stung where they hit the ground a little too hard when he tackled Dib to the ground and straddled him. A good Invader always keeps their enemy below them and away from means of escape. Zim grimaced as Dib landed two particularly hard punches to his jaw. Zim picked Dib’s shoulders up and slammed his head back into the ground a couple times before biting the arm that was sheilding Dib’s stupid face from Zim’s view. Dib yelped again before shoving Zim’s face backwards hard enough to push him off balance.

This brought to light Dib’s one advantage over Zim; he was bigger than Zim. Not by that much! Zim was pretty sure they were the same height, but Dib hadn’t been in and out of the hospital for years. So Dib had a few centimeters and a couple pounds on him, but Zim was used to fighting people bigger than him. His instructors always said that ‘in a real fight the enemy won’t care if you’re smaller than them, in fact they will delight in it’. That didn’t stop Zim from grunting in pain as his head slammed into the ground as Dib flipped their positions. From his position on the ground he could see Dib was bleeding heavily from his nose and was already bruising pretty spectacularly around his cheek and left eye. His glasses were gone too, probably flew off when Zim had tackled him.

Dib kneed him in the stomach, causing Zim to let out a wheezing cough before he rammed the heel of his palm into the already throbbing underside of Zim’s chin, “Get used to the view, alien! Cause once I capture you, this is the only way you’ll see me!” Dib screamed, leaning over Zim as a droplet of his blood dripped down his chin and landed on Zim’s cheek. _Ew, ew, ew!_ Zim cringed in disgust before clawing at Dib’s face to get away from his filthy blood.

Zim scrambled away as Dib threw himself away from scrabbling hands, “You did not just bleed on me! Oh, that is so disgusting! I can’t believe you would do that; I’m gonna be sick!” Zim felt his dinner, which he totally ate faster than Dib, coming up. He forcefully swallowed it down because if he threw up his mom would be so disappointed in him, before remembering the wetness on his cheek was someone else’s blood, the Dib’s blood at that, and immediately went back to dry heaving.

“So your weakness is blood?” Dib’s annoying voice asked from across the lawn.

Zim looked up to see a stupid grin on his face, “It’s not my weakness it’s just gross, Earthling!” Oh boy, now his headache was back and worse than ever. That also might be in part due to the multiple hits to the head he took.

Dib let out a hysterical laugh before pointing at Zim, “See, Gaz! I told you he was an alien and I just won a fight with him!” Oh, right the little purple one was here. 

“Yeah Dib, I really believe someone who almost threw up at the sight of blood is an elite alien sent to conquer earth.” She peered at both of them, “And besides you didn’t win, dummy. Zim drew first blood and was totally thrashing you before you dripped your gross blood on him.” 

Dib let out a disbelieving huff, “Wait, so you’re on his side? Gaz, he’s an alien and I’m your brother!” He screeched. Zim grinned over at that. Looks like the Dib’s sister knows that the real winner is the one who got away with less injuries.

Gaz glared at him, “I didn’t say Zim won either. He’s a total wuss for freaking out at the blood. It was a draw.” She said, “Let’s go back inside, I think Foodio was making dessert when we left.” With that she turned and walked away. She reminded Zim of someone, but he couldn’t quite place it. Ah, well it probably isn’t that important.

Dib stared after for a second before turning back to Zim, “Well, Zim, it seems we’re at an impasse.” Dib monologued. Ugh, Zim liked it better when he was screaming in pain, “Each matched equally in strength and wits. Who will win this battle for the Earth only time will te--_ow!_” Dib landed on the butt, clutching his nose as more blood spurted out. “What was that for!?” He yelled.

Zim shook the tingles running down his hand away, “Your voice annoys me, Dib-monkey.” He leaned down into Dib’s space, looming over him, “And don’t ever think that you won this. My invasion plans are just beginning, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” Zim roughly shoved Dib, watching in satisfaction as his head bounced on the pavement, “Besides, you punch like a toddler.” Zim scoffed before walking back into the house. 

His mother was sitting on the couch with Professor Membrane, who was too wrapped up in whatever he was saying to notice him. He stopped as his mother looked him up and down, an appraising look on her face. Her eyes flicked to the door and the blood dripping from his gloved hands. She nodded before motioning for him to go to the kitchen. 

Gaz was sitting in the kitchen eating some sort of cake-cookie? He sat down across from her and waited for their robot to serve him the dessert, “What, uh, is this?” He asked once the robot placed the dish in front of him. Whatever it was, it smelled good.

Her grip tightened on her cake-cookie, before opening one of her dark eyes, “You’ve never heard of teacakes?”

Zim felt a blush rising up his neck, “Well, Zim has been in Japan for the past six years, so he is not aware of some American desserts!” He laughed before stuffing one of the teacakes in his mouth. 

Gax glared at him muttering out an ‘it’s Mexican’, before going back to her cake. Dib walked in a few minutes later and took the seat next to Gaz, the blood around his nose and mouth was already dried and flaking. The dark purple, almost black, bruises on his face and knuckles stood out against his pale skin and there was cut on his cheek from where Zim’s nails had caught him; Zim briefly wondered what he looked like and if it was better or worse than Dib.

The rest of the meal was spent in silence, Zim and Dib too exhausted to even argue about who won, and Gaz too preoccupied with the teacakes. Ten minutes later, his mother came into the room, telling Zim it was time to leave. He nodded and hopped off the chair.

All of a sudden, everything hurt, his face throbbed, his stomach churned and Zim felt like he was about to pass out. Of course, passing out in a rival’s household was unbecoming of a Takahashi especially one as great as Takahashi Zim. Black spots danced across his vision as he stubbornly walked towards the door, bowing to Prof. Membrane and thanking him for inviting them over. His mother was already back on her phone, barking orders in Japanese as they walked back to their new house. Gir was there to greet them at the door and, thankfully, didn’t tackle him like he usually did.

Zim stumbled over to the couch and laid down, and shut his eyes. He hoped it would help with the sharp pain between his eyes and the pounding headache he had but it never did. Gir jumped up and curled up under his arm, humming quietly while his mother rushed around the house getting her suitcase ready and triple checking all her files and chargers were present. 

He must have fallen asleep because when he opened his eyes, his mother was in her airport outfit, a pair of loose fitting lounge pants and a faded Sailor Moon hoodie, “Mommy, is leaving now. Her uber is outside; I’ll be back by the end of the month.” She smoothed some of his hair over, “Remember to go for the eyes next time, Jimmu.” Zim frowned at the use of his real name, but before he could protest, his mother stood up. “You’re credit card is on the table along with Memebrane’s emergency contact; try not get sick this time, okay? Mommy needs to focus on her brand and she can’t be distracted.” Her phone pinged, and she was already back in business mode.

Zim sat up a litte, his head spinning from the movement, “Goodbye, Kaa-san.” He croaked out. His mother turned and waved before stalking out of the house. He heard the car pull away and closed his eyes as the headlights flashed through the windows. Zim looked down at Gir, who was very dirty for someone who was supposed to have been inside all day, “Gir, look up everything we know about how spider legs work and collapsible metal.” Zim sniffed Gir, he smelled like old candy and mothballs, “And take off your disguise, I’m gonna wash it for tomorrow!”

Gir looked up at him and giggled, “Okie, Master!” He unzipped the green fur and threw it at Zim and rushed off the couch and towards the computer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah thank you for all the nice comments!! espeically about my drawing!! ill get you guys one in color soon i just gotta force mysefl to sit down and draw it. i also love how ur all interacting with this fic id like to thank fucknoirfolklor for the jimmu idea which i absolutly love will use a plot thread now!! i think im getting the feel for where this fic is going so get ready for that. also i hope you like my fight scene i like to think my wonder woman fic made me get better at writing them but idk how it reads to someone who cant play it all out in their mind
> 
> pls leave me a comment or some kudos they make my day!! <3


	6. Premium Bandaids and Autopsy Reports

Dib’s day was off to a bad start. 

Actually, his whole week was off to a bad start. First there was Zim, a literal, real live alien in class planning world domination and no one believed him! Second the alien had invaded his home, brainwashed his father’s colleague. Third the alien attacked him in the front lawn! Honestly, Dib was surprised Zim’s horrible disguise hadn’t fallen off during their tumble. He supposed the alien planet Zim was from must have some sort of advanced cloaking technology, but with how horrible it had looked on him Dib wouldn’t be surprised if it was just a cheap wig and contacts. Dib shuddered thinking what disgusting, slimy features must be hidden under Zim’s human looks, maybe he had extra limbs, or big glowing bug eyes. 

Dib sat up quickly, wincing at the piercing pain that flashed through his head at the sudden change in position. Zim would pay for this too. If it wasn’t bad enough that his sister still didn’t believe that Zim was an alien, he had also given Dib a minor concussion, if the internet was to be believed, and a huge black eye. Thinking back on that fight made Dib’s entire body throb with pain. His father had, as usual, completely ignored what was happening outside but he had cleaned up Dib’s while telling him to be more careful when he’s roughhousing with his friends. Even when he’d tried to explain that they weren’t friends but enemies, his father had just laughed and ruffled his hair, muttering about first rivalries and the nostalgia of it all.

Gaz had walked in after that, and announced both of them were going to bed, before dragging him upstairs and pulling him into the bathroom to give him first aid. Luckily, most of the bleeding had stopped and his nose wasn’t broken but he did have to wear few of Gaz’s prized Bloaty the Pizza Hog bandaids over the scratches on his chin. Zim’s alien biology must be some sort of cross between feline and insectoid because he had very sharp nails. She also put one over the thin scape on the bridge of his nose with more force than necessary, before hissing that he needs to buy his own bandaids next time because his Bloaty-aids pass had been used now.

“Well children, we’re at school! I hope you have a wonderful SCIENCE filled day!” His father’s loud voice startled Dib out of his thoughts. Gaz mumbled out a reply before stuffing her GameSlave into her backpack and hopping out of the car. Professor Membrane waved her off before turning to Dib, “Son, I just want you to know I’m so happy you’ve found yourself a worthy rival. I know Miyuki’s son is going to bring out the best in you!”

“Uh, yeah dad.” Dib awkwardly hovered by the car door trying to think of a way to steer the conversation away from his new rivalry, “I’ll see you after school? Right?” His father began to nod before cutting himself off, and Dib’s heart sank. Of course, his dad probably had some eureka moment last night at the lab and needed to stay there until that though was a reality. “Nevermind! I’ll, uh, see you when I see you.” Dib shut the car door and ran to class, trying to squish down some of the disappointment. This was normal, dads can’t always make it home in time for dinner. No need to make a big deal out of it.

Dib slowed down his pace as he neared his locker. He had history first thing in the morning, one of Dib’s least favorite subjects, mostly because Miss Bitters would go off on rants about how the world should have ended by whatever point in history they were learning about. Dib rolled his eyes, it didn’t matter if the entire planet was doomed because of a nuclear war or which dictator fell in line most with Miss Bitters’ beliefs, the planet was going to be destroyed if he couldn’t find a way to stop Zim!

Angrily picking at the scabs on his knuckles, Dib stomped off to class. The warning bell had rung already, so the halls were mostly deserted. Which was good for Dib since he didn’t want to deal with the drooling morons this place called students. He walked into class and sat down, setting his books and his ‘Supernatural Studies’ journal on the desk. He’d probably spend the day observing Zim for weaknesses and devising a plan for taking him and his whole operation down. Might as well plan out the film composition of the autopsy too. His dad always says that you can never be too prepared when it comes to scientific discovery.

“Nice of you to join us, Zim.” Miss Bitters said. 

Dib’s head whipped up from where he’d been doodling Zim’s dissected body. Standing in the doorway, panting, was the alien invader. He looked, well, like he’d gotten in a fight. A wave of satisfaction hit Dib at the sight of Zim’s bruises and the multiple bandaids on his face and hands. Speaking of his hands, why did he have a leash?

“Sorry I’m late Miss Bitters, I had a bit of trouble getting Gir out the door today.” Zim tried to smile at their glaring teacher before he yanked the leash and a dog padded into view. _A green dog._ A green dog that had black limbs and ears and a _zipper_ walked into the room.

_How stupid did he think they all were?_

“Miss Bitters! Isn’t there a rule against having pets in school?” Dib shouted. He could not let this pass. An alien had brought what Dib could only assume was some horrifying creature into their classroom and disguised it as a green dog. This thing was probably going to eat them all once the door shut!

Zim whipped around to stare at Dib, “Actually Dib, Gir is my service dog so he’s allowed in any public space and no one, meaning you, Big Head, can do anything about it!” Zim yelled before sitting down while Gir curled up under his feet.

Dib stood up and marched over to Zim’s desk, “Nu-uh! You might have everybody else fooled but not me! Dogs aren’t green and even if that thing is a real dog why does it have a zipper, huh?” Dib leaned towards Zim, “I don’t know what sort of alien tricks you’re playing but this is not gonna slide!” He turned to Miss Bitters, “Tell Zim he can’t have his dog, or whatever it is, in class!”

She rolled her eyes, “As much as I would love to kick a puppy today Dib, Zim has turned in all his forms and Gir is a trained service dog.” She slithered over to him, looming in a way only his dad really could, “So leave it, or you’ll be having another visit with the principal.” Dib shuddered remembering the cold, cold office. Never again.

“It could eat us all!”

“Well if it does, let’s all hope it goes for you first.”

Zim snickered behind him which just made Dib want to punch him in his smug alien face even more. “This isn’t over Zim! I’ll expose you and when I do you’ll be sorry you ever crossed me!” One of his classmates patted Zim on the back and whispered something to him while glaring at Dib. Great, now Zim had turned the entire class against him, whatever it’s not like they were ever much help. He sat down with a huff, and opened his Supernatural Studies journal. This means war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! i finally sat myself down got this out of my system!! every major-ish character has been introduced now and im ready to start heading this a plotty directions!! i hope you enjoyed this chapter pls leave a comment or kudos i read and respond to every one!! Love you all <3333


	7. Boo-boos and Feel Betters

Zim woke up with a pounding headache. Not that that was very unusual but this one felt more concussion-y than the migraines he was used to. He sat up slowly, his body reminding him of every injury the Dib-beast had inflicted upon him, groaning at the sharp pains that shot through his midsection, as if his stomach didn’t hurt enough on a normal day. Beside him Gir stirred from his spot at the foot of the bed, “Did you has a good nap, Master?” he toddled over to Zim, his metal paws wrapping around Zim’s arm as he started humming softly.

Zim winced at the pressure, Gir still didn’t really understand his new body, “It was good, how long was I asleep?” Gir held up both his paws, which didn’t really answer his question, but Zim figured he meant two hours. That was the usual amount of sleep he could get uninterrupted. “Two hours, huh? Well, I’m gonna get ready; Gir grab my hoverboard and put on your disguise--ah!” Zim leaned over to grab the little robot before he could race out of the room, “_With _your work clothes! And don’t watch cartoons until you’re done or you’ll be in big trouble!” 

Gir’s big eyes glowed red briefly before fading back to bright blue as a big smile spread across his face, “You gots’a cut on your face! Imma make it better!” he shouted before lunging forward.

“AH! Gir stop! You’re made of metal now remember!” Zim desperately tried to cover his face as a sixty pound piece of metal tried desperately to kiss his boo-boos better, “You can’t lick people and especially me! It’s gross!” He cringed as Gir’s metal tongue lapped at his face before making a break for the bathroom. Slamming the door closed, he yelled at Gir to go away and get breakfast ready and breathed a sigh of relief when he heard a screech of happiness and fading footsteps.

Zim padded over to the sink and took a good look at himself. Hmm, at least the swelling went down overnight, but that didn’t stop him from looking like the Dib had almost won the fight, which he _didn’t_. The cut that Gir was trying to kiss better had scabbed over but needed to be disinfected if he didn’t want to get sick and the open cuts on his knuckles needed to be taken care off. Well, the silver lining was that Dib definitely looked worse than him and that’s what really mattered.

“Breakfast is donez!”

Zim hurried through the rest of his morning routine, throwing on a sleeveless hoodie over a striped sweater and a pair of leggings before rushing down the stairs. Gir had started screaming that the waffles were getting cold five minutes ago and experience told Zim that neighbors would start complaining after eight. The smell of the syrup was both intoxicating and nauseating, but Zim forced himself to eat the food Gir had made. Seeing the little dog cry is horrible, making Gir cry would force Zim to turn deactivate himself. He managed to finish about half the plate and the glass of orange juice before he shoved the plate away, and, ignoring Gir’s soft hum of displeasure at how much was left, and made his way to the living room.

Gir followed after him, clicking on the TV to some colorful cartoon that immediately distracted him. Zim gathered his school supplies and shoved them into his bag before settling on the ground to slip on his boots. “Gir, it’s time to go.” He started up the hoverboard, wincing at the high pitch beep it let out, and grabbed the dog leash, “Gir, come on, we’re gonna be late.”

The dog turned to him his now black eyes widened as he started the last and most important part of their daily routine: begging. “Aw, can we please just stay until it’s over? Please, please, please!” He whined hopping in place as the characters began to sing a song about shoelaces. Zim groaned, as much as he would like to skip school, Takahashi’s didn’t do that. And a sentient green dog wasn't about to change his mind. Gir seemed to sense that his begging wasn’t working and began to tear up. His voice wobbled as he pleaded with Zim to just stay a little longer just so he can know what happens, which was a lie because Zim had watched this episode with Gir when it had first come out.

“No Gir, we have to go to school and I can’t go without you or the principal will think I’m lying about needing a service dog and I really can’t deal with that again.” Zim stomped his foot, before pointing at the floor in front of him, “Now come here or else.” Gir began to seriously cry and Zim felt a part of him crumble at the sight but he also knew deep down that Gir did this all the time to get what he wants and letting him win was not a good idea. “Gir. I’m going to count to three and if you’re not here I’m turning off the TV and hiding the remote.”

“One.” Gir sat there eyes glued to the screen.

“Two.” The dog began to look nervously between the leash and the still singing characters.

“Thr-” Gir clicked off the television and rushed over, sitting on his hind legs and blinking up innocently at Zim like he hadn’t just pushed the limit. “You’re one lucky dog.” He hissed before hooking the leash onto Gir’s collar and adjusting his vest. 

Zim opened the door, fumbling for the house key while Gir hopped down the steps half chasing a butterfly. “Alright Gir,” He announced as soon as the door was locked, “you know the drill.” Zim put his hoverboard on the ground and stepped on as Gir took his starting position, “Okay, ready, get set” Gir’s tail wagged in excitement, “GO!”

Zim lurched forward as Gir took off running (on all fours thankfully) towards the school. They weren’t too far from the building and with Gir running like this they’d make it in no time. Ah, the perks of having a mechanically modified dog. Zim pulled out his phone, checking the time in Japan before sending a text to his mother asking her how her flight went and if she had made it to their old penthouse safely. He then scrolled through LINE for the rest of the way only stopping when Gir took a turn a little too sharply into the carpool area of the school.

“Ugh! Gir, I’m still working out the kinks on the board and it can’t handle fast turns! Do you want me to face plant!?” He yelled. Really, it was times like these Zim remembered why he was the brains of the operation. Not that he wasn’t the brawn either, but he had to occupy one of the slots and leaving Gir out would just be mean!

“SOWWY!”

Zim slapped a hand to his forehead, hoping the bystanders would assume he was on the phone with someone. Luckily, these Americans were living up to the stereotype of being stupid and comepletly absorbed with themselves. Maybe he could use that in one of his ‘alien’ schemes...

Pulling to a stop, Zim hopped off his board and pressed the compression button he had added before stuffing it into his bag. He knelt down in front of Gir, who was licking syrup off of his paws, he’s so gross, “Gir, remember what I told you?” Gir nodded slowly before shaking his head back and forth , “Figured, now remember. No talking, walking on two legs, or eating the preschoolers okay. It’s really hard to erase a whole human’s existence and even harder to get them out of your stomach.” Zim stood up and began walking towards the entrance. 

The bell rang.

He turned back to the little dog, “If you have anything to say, say it now, Gir.” 

The dog paused for a moment before yelling out a ‘nope!’ and sprinted ahead. Zim yelped as the leash snapped taut and jerked him forward. “Oh wait!” Gir scream, jumping up and down and gesturing for Zim to lean down so he could whisper. Zim checked the time, and realizing they were already late just sighed and complied, “Did you take your Feel Betters?”

Shoot, he'd totally forgotten to take his meds! "Oh, uh, I forgot...again." Zim smiled shakily, "I'll take them when I get home, besides what's one school day without Feel Betters?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! im back with another chapter!! i hope you all enjoyed and i hope my gir voice was passable at least!! anyway thx for reading and remember i love you all!! leave me some kudos or a comment so i can know how ur feeling about the story!! 
> 
> see ya next time!!!!!


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